I Don't Think Any of You Understand Satire
by Brian Peppers
Summary: An accurate depiction of the current Bully fandom in a nutshell, as told by our favorite characters.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: "Birthing Revolution"**

It was an average, hackneyed, stereotypically sunny day at Bullworth. Birds chirped before being struck by angry pedestrians. Other trite descriptions also happened, along with other generic shit that no one bothers to read. A black limousine pulled up in front of the school, glittering in the sun like a certain vampire pedophile's cold, heartless pen0r. When the door flew open, a pasty, emaciated leg sprung out from the threatening vehicle, squirming like some kind of horrific space parasite.

IT WUZ GIRL.

Immediately, the pedobear-senses of everyone in school (including the girls) went off and everyone sexily proceeded to have a colossal, glorious boner at the same time, which was awkward for anyone in the communal showers. Anyway...

"Welcome to Bullworth Academy, miss."

The petite girl whom the driver was speaking to had animu large, ice blue eyes that glowed like children on fire, which complemented her autistic stare. Her emu black hair was about thirty-five feet long and streaked with wonderful ADD-induced colors, including red, purple, white, diarrhea green, and monkey shit orange. In her hair was her goffick schoolbag, her deceased dog, her restraining order, an old bird's nest, a tampon, a missing child, Fatty's dignity, melted chocolate, and a used condom. She had small, pouty, herpes-riddled, red lips that curled into a content pedosmile. "BIET ME, U COCKSUCKER."

The driver smiled sensually at his dear friend, all while crying tears of evaporating blood for her sexy departure. "NO U."

The driver and the girl then proceeded to have a totally trite conversation to show the readers that she isn't a completely self-centered bitch. After being fucked in the ass and given AIDS (FAPITYFAPFAP), the girl had been carelessly tossed onto the sidewalk with yet another used condom stuck to her hair. At least he used protection! Her head spun sensually as she stumbled onto her anorexic, toothpick legs, all while contemplating about what parts of her pathetic life should she bitch about to people who would otherwise not give a flying shit. Before she could imagine a greased up, tanned Derby Harrington slowly taking off his bedazzled g-string, a tall, stern-looking woman stomped over to her with the most pissed-off, menopause-induced expression imaginable.

"You must be Angelique Shaneequa Smith-Worthenhausser."

"BITCH, GET BACK IN KITCHEN AND MAKE ME SAMMICH," screamed Angelique Shaneequa sexily as her head convulsed like some sort of demon out of Westminster, California. She then proceeded to erotically beat and simultaneously rape Miss Danvers in a thunderous fury that left the whole area within a ten yard radius covered in menstrual blood and whipped cream. After making rough, angry love for ten hours on the sidewalk, Miss Danvers sexily escorted Angelique Sheenequa to the main office. Crabblesnitch, ignoring his ancient, glimmering boner, screamed at Angelique like the horny gimp he was because she was just so AWESOEM.

They argued sexily until Angelique jumped up, tore open her shirt, and unveiled her massive 9001-FFFXOXO cups. "Take me, you dirty pervert. Take me with your fat, wrinkled CAWK!"

So Angelique, Miss Danvers, and Dr. Crabblesnitch had a steamy threesome that lasted for another negative thirty-six hours. Crabblesnitch later died of AIDS and left his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind.

Angelique Shaneequa Smith-Worthenhausser, or A.S.S., then walked straight into Greaser territory and sexed the shit out of anyone who was working on cars. Normally, this would be considered RAEP, but she's a girl, so it's okay, AMIRITE? DERP DERP DERP. It turned out Johnny actually liked it (being the masochistic bastard he is), so he got down on one knee and proposed right then and there to A.S.S.

Tears of blood and citrus-scented urine streamed exotically down her sexy blushing face. "U LIEK ME?"

Johnny smiled a neurotic, bloody smile. "I LIEK."

Angelique jumped onto Johnny like a horny cat onto a homeless person covered in mango glaze. Yet again, they made hot, passionate, manly buttsex in the garage, until an ominous shadow appeared at the entrance.

It was...

DUN DUN DUN!

Derby!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: "You, Your Kids, and Your Johnson"**

Derby's eyes widened as bloody tears squeezed out, because he apparently was an autistic vampire slut. "A.S.S.-chan, you're cheating on me. kjoejtgjisehitj;!"

"lol, u mad, bro?" asked a grinning Johnny.

"Derby-chan!" A.S.S. burst out in a fit of sobbing while still mounting Johnny, who also cried because he enjoyed hot crying during sex. "Derby-chan, I LUB U."

"NO U," screamed Derby, as he jumped into the disgusting, sweaty, jizz-glazed pile. His clothes mysteriously vanished and ended up under Bif's pillow, but that is not important here. What is important was the fact that Derby was now administrating a fifty pound box of RAEP onto Johnny's sweet, sweet ass and contracting the Kool-AIDS.

It was then that A.S.S. convulsed before a pair of magnifical, rapist black angel wings sprung like a tyrannical boner from her back and impaled everyone within a ten feet radius. She managed to stake Derby through his cold, syrup-colored heart with one of her magnificent, feathery appendages, and he provacatively slumped into her arms.

"Derby." A.S.S.'s period red eyes were now ejaculating blood like a severed arm, which was now all over a dying Derby's beauteous face. Despite this, he smiled a handsome, herpes-induced smile that would make any respectable young man jizz in his pants.

"It's...not...your...fault," whispered Derby alluringly. A.S.S and Derby then started to make out intensely while groping each other with their love mittens. Keep in mind that A.S.S. was still mounted onto Johnny, who was now slitting his wrists because the sight of his own life dribbling away turned him on. Afterwards, Ted came in and raped A.S.S. in the ass because all the Jocks had a contract stating that they had to RAEP someone every ten minutes in a fanfic or else there would be no DRAMAZ! Earnest was almost invited to the party, but his pen0r was so big that it blasted a hole through the atmosphere and was now being attacked by hungry aliens. He died of his injuries, and A.S.S. continued to regularly visit his grave while simultaneously crying stardust and slitting her wrists with those overpriced, badly made earrings she got from a certain emu conformist store.

Then a shirtless Gary in leather pants wobbled on by and said, "Bitches don't know 'bout mah pimpin' eye scar."

Then A.S.S. was all like, "OMG, Gary, take me now! Fuxxor me with your big, insane weenus!"

After some confusion about which hole was the correct one, Gary and A.S.S. finally joined together in their horny, teenage adaption of "Pop! Goes the Weasel". Well, if the song included hot candle wax, Johnny in bloomers (because he apparently enjoyed wearing bloomers during sex), and Gary crying like a bitch after being kicked in his manly peaches. He dropped like a pussy! PUUSSSSSSSSSYYYYYY!

"OH NOEZ! Nao I can't haz your kids!" lamented Gary (lolbiologyfail), as he cupped his tennis balls.

"We'll see about that!" screeched A.S.S., as she and Gary made sweet, sweet RAEP in front of the girls' dorm. No prefects came because they all died in a horrible terrorist bombing.

After a shitload of more DRAMAZ, Ted getting his ass pulverized by Seth Kolbe, and an embarrassing call to the animal control center, it was finally made public that A.S.S. was pregnant. OMG!1! Liek we weren't expecting that!11

A.S.S. began to vomit all over the place, because a little vomit is always required in a teenage pregnancy fic. Johnny began to vomit too, seeing that he enjoyed vomiting during sex. All the little kids began to vomit for no particular reason, but hey, Luis slipped on it and went into a coma. (Good night, sweet prince...) Nobody in Bullworth Academy cared, because he was a jock, and therefore, that automatically made him a horrible person unfit for human sympathy.

"Hey everyone!" screamed A.S.S. "I'm preggo with some high-schooler's kid. That's definitely not weird, even though IRL I'm a college aged pedo with pre-existing mental issues who likes to hang out with thirteen year olds on the Internetz! Wait... Did I say that outloud? Teehee..."

"That's okay!" yelled Derby, although no one really knew why everyone was yelling all of a sudden. "I'll totally accept you and your roaring mental issues, even if you are some psychotic pedophile!"

Johnny then landed his spacecraft and screamed, "I CHALLENGE YOU TO A D-D-D-D-DUEL!"

Derby peered towards A.S.S. and whispered, "I love you." He then shot up into space using his magic jizz rocket. (Guess what a "magic jizz rocket" is? That's right, A PENIS!) He was about to transform into a bong-shaped mecha archangel, but he crashed into Earnest's interplanetary pen0r and died. He ended up sexily buried next to Earnest in the local cemetery, and A.S.S. continued to visit his grave whilst jacking off furiously to _Catcher in the Rye_.

Johnny then wrapped his arms around her obese, convulsing belly. "Don't worry, A.S. -chan. I still love you."

"OH LAWD, MAH WATER BROKES!" shrieked A.S.S. erotically on the top of her lungs. A sexy, bloody waterfall began to explode from in between her voluptuous thighs, flooding the entire vicinity of Bullworth with the sweet taste of strawberry death. (Now part of a complete breakfast!) Crabblesnitch drowned in the ensuing tide, leaving his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" screamed Johnny, before doing a _FALCON PUNCH! _on her love bump.

But guess what?

A gyrating, Mexican alien sexily burst out of A.S.S.'s stomach, which was apparently Derby's incestuous child! (Many bricks were shat.) Apparently, A.S.S. was Derby's long lost Japanese twin sister, which made her the heiress to the Harrington fortune. The alien then transformed into a werewolf sewing machine complete with an electric guitar, but Kirby FIRED HIS LAZOR, and it was obliterated in the ensuing glittery explosion. A.S.S. then BAAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEED at the loss of her freakish, incest baby. Everyone else BAAAAAAWWWWWEEEEEED with her, because they obviously gave a shit.

"Why don't we make another?" suggested a cracked-out Johnny in a cow suit. Did I mention that he suddenly became a furry?

"LOL-K."

A.S.S. then proceeded to make a woman out of Johnny right on the hospital bed, which was a definite way to get the AIDS. They ended up breaking through a couple of floors before the bed morphed into a power ranger, which was awkward for all of them seeing that Johnny was turned on by power rangers. A.S.S. began to scream a highly inaccurate phrase in a random European language as she had her powergasm, because she _haz_ to be a white person from a different country in order to appear mysterious. That, and no one likes coloured people, AMIRITE?

Unknown to them, Juri was peeling taters (because all Europeans do that, AMIRITE?) outside the randomly placed hospital garage window and listening to their violent RAEPing. He noticed A.S.S.'s highly inaccurate Russian love cries. "That's not RITE."

Suddenly, A.S.S. teleported outside and smothered him with her beautiful a-noos, because no one could find out about her true identity as a twenty-something year old pedobear high-school dropout. NO ONE. She then screamed, "¡TE VOY A VIOLAR!" because she also was half-German, half-Russian, half-Norweigan, quarter Na-vi, half-angel, half-robot, half-dead, half-eaten, half-full, half-infected, half-pedobear, and she also haz the AIDS. (You didn't have to know 'bout that!)

And then Crazy Ted broke out of jail and said, "OMG, you killed Juri! You bastard!"

And then A.S.S. was all like, "FUCK U, TED THOMPSON. Let me suck ur dick like the pedobear that I am!"

Ted developed quite an awesome face and was like, "LOL-K."

While making sweet, sweet S&M to Ted, she took out her random hunter's dagger that she pulled from the body of her dead mother and began to stab the living shit out of him. Ted shrieked like a little girl, not because he was scared, but because the steroids he was inexplicably taking shrunk his testicles to the size of a styrofoam peanut. That, and he had just remembered that he left the oven on.

"A.S.S.-chan," wheezed Ted. Johnny saw all of this and got a hard-on, because seeing Ted die was apparently a turn-on for him. "Why? Why did you haz to stab me?"

"Because I'm the legendary robot-angel vigilante, byotch. My name is...LEEEERRRROOOOOYYYY ," declared A.S.S. solemnly, while elegantly flapping her sexy black angel wings that also ejaculated neon green lazors. "Remember it."

"LOL, I still lub u," were Ted's last words before succumbing to the raging diabeetus that simultaneously made him ooze peach-flavored syrup from every available orifice. It was all good, because his death really wasn't A.S.S.'s fault, AMIRITE? (Plus, he was a jock, so no one cares 'bout him!)

Everyone cheered when Ted died, even Mandy, because she apparently was now in love with A.S.S. now. If she wanted A.S.S.'s beautiful and violent love, she would have to wait in line behind Miss Danvers, the ghost of Juri, Lightning the black wrestling dwarf, Gary, Gary #2 (who was apparently Gary #1's evil twin brother), Chad, Chad's dog, Jimmy's mom, He-who-shall-not-be-named (Many bricks were shat.), Jezebel and Delilah, emo faggot from down the street, Robert Pattinson, mystery student X, Barney, Constantinos, Eunice, Sheldon Thompson, the creepy janitor, and that one douche from that show about chidren's card games on motorcycles.

It was then that they all commenced in a sudden battle royale to determine who would recieve A.S.S.'s sweet anal love. It was an awful and bloody fight that required many tissues to wipe off the mess that had gathered in between the bricks of the academy. Students were left to scratch the crust off the walls with their bleeding fingers, because the janitor (as you may recall) was epically battling for the right to get his a-noos enlarged by the beautiful and mysterious A.S.S. The drying mess was also highly radioactive and addicted to disco music, which was unfortunate, because Petey was on one of his funky rampages again. (AH AH AH AH, STAYIN ALIVE, STAYIN ALIVE! AH AH AH AH, _STAAAAAAAAAAAYIN ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE_!) The ominous white crust eventually engulfed the entire school within its sweet, succulent womb. Fortunately, a beautiful, lusty butterfly had emerged from the flaky cocoon and sexily flew into the sunset. Last time I checked, the butterfly is doing well. He has a wife and two kids and is currently working as a Spanish telemarketer in Reno.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: "Everybody Fistpump"**

The war had ended after a short commercial break plus a few trips to the bathroom, and unfortunately, everyone perished in the inevitable bubblegum explosion. Besides the occasional severed arm or leg that littered the steps of the academy like cheap confetti, all the poor, filthy, village children joyfully frolicked amongst the dirty candy that had spilled all over the concrete. This scene would have been quite beautiful, but then they all died of lead poisoning. A.S.S. dropped to her knees and wailed, "THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!"

HEY GUISE HERE'S A RANDOM PARAGRAPH DESCRIBING HOW BEAUTEOUS A.S.S. IS.

Her fresh April tears augmented the warm glow of her sun-kissed cheeks and the glassy glaze of her limpid eyes. Her animu huge breasts jiggled and wobbled violently with the force of her manly sobbing, slapping against the concrete like a small child having a seizure. Her a-noos was like a black hole, a modern mystery which absorbed all of the curiosities of anyone fortunate enough to see such a work of nature. As it opened its one magnificent eye, all objects in its wake were immediately destroyed upon meeting its fatal gaze. Crabblesnitch left his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind.

Also, Petey was playing with a paddleball for half an hour in the background. You see him? Yeah, right there. (Say hi to Petey, dear.)

Everyone knows that mystical fairy-angels with psychic emu powers (which A.S.S. inexplicably was) thrives off DRAMAZ. Since drama required more than one person, A.S.S. was left to wilt like a pitiful flower under Chris Hansen's sexy stare. Fortunately, one student was left alive in the erotic massacre. Even better, this student was black, and everyone knows that black people are a good source of amusement.

"Nigga, dis sho iz sum gewd cone-bread," commented a strangely content Damon West. In one hand was a half-eaten chunk of yellow styrofoam. In the other hand was a silver handgun, which he was using to shoot white people with because he apparently had to follow every black stereotype thought up by pretentious female writers who obviously have no idea how 'dem darkies work. That, and no one likes colored people, AMIRITE?

"DAMON," gurgled A.S.S. "Y U NEVER PAIRED WITH OC?" (Shh... It's because he's black.)

The linebacker's massive pedoblack eyes sprung out from his head like angry male genitalia. "STFU, cracka, I don't haff to take yo' shit!" Damon then shot A.S.S.! OMG!11

Fortunately, God's mighty a-noos came down and rained its Christian wrath down on Damon. He will not be sorely missed, because he's a jock. (Actually, it's because he's black, but you don't have to know 'bout that!)

Johnny then held A.S.S.'s leprosy riddled body in his bulging, manly arms while screaming, "¡NO QUIEROOOOOOOOOO!" He then proceeded to SEDUCE HER. The two proceeded to have some of that delicious cone-bread in the HEAT OF PASSION! Johnny got eleven hard-ons, seeing that moist, delicious cornbread apparently turned him on. His penis grew to an astounding length of ONE HUNDRED FIFTY-SEVEN METERS. IT CAN GET ON DISNEYLAND ATTRACTIONS BY ITSELF.

"Be gentle plox," pleaded A.S.S. sexily, while texting on her cell. "First time, brb. I ttly are virgin."

"OH YEEEAAAAHHHH," crooned Johnny in his sexy, deep, black guy voice, as he proceeded to screw A.S.S. in all positions possible AT THE SAME TIME. (He's just that awesome.) He fulfilled all her LUSTY DESIRES in one glorious moment of HATRED. He then pulled off his face and revealed that he was actually...Derby!

"Derby-sama-senpai-kun-chan!" ejaculated A.S.S. as she choked on something white and sticky. (Don't worry GUISE, it's just melted marshmallow! What did you think it was?) "You're STILL ALIVE."

"All cuz of you, baby," croaked Derby erotically as he continued to screw her in the oozing bullethole left on her stomach. "I'll always be here. _Always_."

"Oh Derby," crooned A.S.S. as she cried bluddy tears of melancholic joy and ecstacy.

HEY GUISE TIEM FOR SHITTY SONGFIC:

The sky darkened romantically, the moonlight complementing the luscious white gleam of Derby's pasty, incest-riddled asscheeks. A horny crowd gathered around them, looking on with pedophilic awe. A.S.S. opened her mouth and began to sing sweetly as Derby ravished her pre-pubescent body with his manly VAGINA. He began to scissor in tune to her sweet, hypnotizing loli-voice.

(KAY U GUISE, IMAGIEN A PIANO PLAYIN N DA BACKSGOURND.)

"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave  
Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone..."

"Wow!" exclaimed Jimmy in a hazmat suit, who had teleported down from the moon base. "This song is_ totally_ not a sad attempt to make an OC appear talented and different by exploiting an overused song that is obviously by a mainstream emu band!"

"Lulz," undulated Zombie!Ted sensuously. "She's not even going to credit the original artist!"

No one listened because they all died in a terrorist bombing.

"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  
There's just so much that time cannot erase!"

Everyone, upon hearing her delicious voice, cried tears of black blood and went emu. A.S.S. then became queen of the school without really doing shit, because she was queen of the emus. (Plus, everyone knows that emus like to travel in mobs!) They then proceeded into their infamous ass-kissing ritual, which scientists believe is the way they call in their potential mates. As A.S.S. and Derby continued to play chess in the nude, everyone around them tore off their clothing, and with a feeling of unbound liberation, began to dance in a fucking circle around the two (probably to summon Optimus Prime or some shit like that). Unfortunately, they were all burned alive by the rays of HAWT PASSION emitted by A.S.S. and Johnny's glorious machine gun nipples. (Actually, they were all shot. Don't worry. They still got a free T-shirt.)

Suddenly, a dark figure dropped down from the mecha cockpit.

It was...

DUN DUN DUN!

Gary!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: "Fuck You! I'm a Dragon!"**

"Gary-chama!" roared a convulsing A.S.S. as her magical, pulsing, animu nipple-dick tentacles continued to rape Derby in the ass. "You came back for me!"

Gary paid no attention to A.S.S. or anything else for that matter, as his crippling A.D.D. gave him the attention span of a 'roiding formal high school football star who beats his wife and small child violently. Indeed, Gary's A.D.D. is a DRAMATIC, life-threatening illness that calls for many manly tears, razor blades, and mirrors. (Oh, don't forget the straws!) DRAMTIQUE!1! DON'T TALK SHIT 'BOUT A.D.D.

In his passionate 'tard RAEG, the sociopathic gimp began to flap his arms alarmingly, a common motion done by this magical race of people. He also began to crab walk in a circle as his empty eye sockets ejaculated piles of mystery mayonnaise everywhere he went, and the sensuous streams glittered under the starlight like a male stripper's a-noos during a good day.

Derby grinned, his eyes squinted. "lol u mad, bro?"

After using protect over nine-thousand tiems (DAMN IT, U CHEAP FUCKER.), a mad, horny Gary thrusted towards the couple with all his burning ECSTACY. He was going to erotically murder them with his massive razor penis, like he did his cruel and abusive stepfather.

"A.S.S!" exploded Gary, who inexplicably transformed into Orgasmitron. "Y U NO LUV ME?" His giant robo-cock seared a hole through city hall with its destructo-ray, ruining Jimmy's beautiful work of art. Nothing happened because Jimmy died in a terrorist bombing. (Good night, sweet prince...)

"Derby-chan, I'm scared and need protection, even though I has MAGIC POWAHZ!1!" commented A.S.S. as she clung to Derby's nerve-stricken, protruding arm muscles.

"Don't worry, A.S.S.-DESU-chan! I'll save you!" He gazed at her one last time with his beauteous cocaine silver eyes. "I love you." Derby then proceeded to shoot up into space with his jetpack a-noos. He was about to transform into a robo-senator complete with BIG, MAJESTICAL BALLS, but Kirby FIRED HIS LAZOR, and Derby was killed-illed-illed-illed. Kirby became a national hero and went on to serve as the Mockingjay during the final battle against the Capitol.

As for Derby, he ended up sumptuously buried next to Jimmy in the local cemetery. A.S.S. continued to visit him, because emu hipster faggots like to look speshul by hanging around the graves of dead grandmothers and small children. (Plus, everyone knows that dead people give emus GIGANTIC BONERS!)

Upon seeing that all his competition was dead, Gary fell sexually to Earth. The searing wind sailed between his chesnut locks of hair, nipping at his face. He savored the sting against his lips, one last kiss before a cold, abrupt end. A gritty guitar solo played in the background, commanding his eyes to shut for one last, eternal sleep.

Also, Petey was playing with a paddleball for half an hour in the background. You see him? Yeah, right there. (Say hi to Petey, dear.)

Suddenly, a massive, penile object broke Gary's fall. The seizuring, pants-pissing sociopath amazingly did not break his spine, but he did manage to jizz in his panties a few times before realizing that he didn't die. ('Cause everyone knows that death makes emus jizz in their pants!)

He peered downwards in shock, only to discover that said flying dildo was a mutated Derby. He had inexplicably transformed into a BEAUTEOUS SPACE DRAGON!1! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOODDDDD!111!

Dragon!Derby flaunted his sexy pierced balls to anyone fortunate enough to be standing on Earth. He had cruel, piss golden eyes that raeped people up the ass like a divorce settlement. His magnifical wings left a trail of glittery AIDS in the air, which scientists believe is the way basement dwellers like to summon potential, non-existent mates. Upon rubbing his severed dick on Dragon!Derby's unicorn horn, the sexual beast opened its massive, vaginal jaw and let out a spew of MAGISTIQUE FAIRY PELLETS!1! Said pellets rained down upon the pitiful human population, setting all they touched aflame. Crabblesnitch left his young lover Sheldon Thompson behind. (Mmm... Bacon...)

Gary's surprise grew upon seeing A.S.S. riding on Derby's sexy, muscular dragon cock. YES. IT WAS THAT BIG. Her head turned all the way around to glance at her beauteous love-slave, with her carnivorous tears augmenting her murder red eyes. The two shared a moment of touching and sentimental intimacy. Johnny got a hard-on, seeing he was turned on by moments of touching and sentimental intimacy.

After making the dangerous trip to Dragon!Derby's sacred, scaly pen0r, Gary crushed A.S.S.'s tiny wrists in his manly grip. "A.S.S. Ever since I first saw your beauteous a-noos, I have been madly in love with you. Oh, take me! Take me here! Make me your sexy, little girl!"

"Oh Gary," crooned A.S.S. sensuously. "You always know what mommy wants. Now BEND OVER."

Gary anticipated the feeling of the massive eggplant being shoved up his love pit, but instead felt his insides bounce. Unfortunately, they were not sailing safely through the air on the massive penis of a magical dragon (no matter how much LSD they took backstage). In fact, the three jailbait teenagers were falling sexily to their beautiful deaths. This was not unexpected, seeing that real dragons don't fucking exist.

Suddenly, the Ghost of Jimmy walked onto stage wearing a sharp pinstripe suit. Stopping in front of the microphone, he turned towards the audience and said, "Hello, everyone. Welcome to the 9001st Annual Bullworth Charity Event. The Bullworth Charity Council is made up of outstanding and inquisitive students dedicated to bettering the community of our wonderful town. I have come here today to inform you all of the recent crisis that has been afflicting our fair town. Dragons. That's right. Many people will tell you that dragons don't exist, and that is true. However, some basement dwellers will kindly disagree and will also be dying alone in the near future. If you see said people, KILL WITH FIRE. Trust me, you'll be doing the world a favor."

The camera zoomed out, only to show a bunch of formally dressed students clustered around the illuminated, blushing young man. The hive mind that had its spiny tentacles up all their tight, little a-nooses commanded them to open their mouths and say, "THE MOAR YOU KNOW..."

Upon facing a romantic and completely unnecessary death, A.S.S., Johnny, and Derby all melted into a single unit of exotic ecstacy. The falling scene dragged on longer than it should have, but the death scene of someone as FUCKING AWESUM as A.S.S. had to last for at least three hours, give or take one hundred pointless filler episodes. To spare you the crippling emotional pain that you would undoubtedly suffer from reading their angst-riddled, last words to each other, here's a description of Bif eating some cereal:

Gord changed the grocery list again.

Bif knew about the sordid scheme from the moment he tore open that pantry door, only to find his one, true nemesis staring back at him: Kix. Kix cereal. He didn't understand why exactly Gord loved those tasteless, white balls of sawdust. Nonetheless, he found his hand snagging the box from its home, his mind already ablaze with less-than-civilized assumptions about those accursed, little puffs. He hated Kix with all his hate.

In just a few moments, the bowl was filled to the brim with those tiny abominations that people considered a part of a balanced breakfast. Some of them made evil, little popping noises as they sucked up the milk from the bowl, like a couple of rabid beasts. It reminded him of the parasites, the poverty-stricken majority that had always asked for free handouts from people of his social standing. Without a word, Bif slowly finished the soggy Kix, withholding vomit each time the slushy mess crawled down his throat.

Gord was going to pay for this.

The Kix then exploded in his face, smashing his skull into a million cherry flavored bits. Gord crawled on all fours and began to sensuously lick the pieces off the ground like some horny cat. Johnny got a hard-on, seeing that he enjoyed hawt cannibalism during sex. Crabblesnitch? You can guess what happened to Crabblesnitch.

Anyway...

A.S.S. and Johnny ended up wasting thirty minutes of your life with their magnificent death scene, which ended with them celebrating Johnny's rich Native American heritage with a gang shoot-out. Unfortunately, you didn't get to see this sexy shoot-out because they were busy spreading the AIDS to the water supply. Don't worry. They managed to kill an orphanage full of small, starving children with numerous, inexplicable talents that would have gotten them a movie deal later in life. Oh, kids these days!

They also didn't die. OMG, liek we weren't expecting that!1!

A.S.S. recovered from her inexplicable, short-term amnesia and suddenly remembered that she was some half-angel, half-Japanese, half-Pikachu, half-Sonic the Hedgehog abomination. She carried both Johnny and Derby in her slimey, fish-scented arms as they safely floated towards the desecrated remains of Bullworth Academy. Johnny and Derby celebrated their second chance at life by spending the next fifteen chapters lamenting over whatever the fuck just happened. (NEEDZ MOAR ANGST.)

Suddenly, a menacing stranger appeared out of the shadows and grabbed A.S.S., obviously intending to rape her sweet virgin manhole.

It was...

DUN DUN DUN!

Mudkip!


End file.
